To The Hill...

I went to a village to visit the nature. Somehow, I had a lot of times spent for myself. Today really was an adventurous day as I visited lots of interesting spots to include visiting a mini zoo, swimming at the waterfalls, and eating a lot of fruits at one of the Dusuns in the village. In fact, I still crave for the Fruits there. The villagers were so kind and welcoming. I appreciate my everyday in this small village. I went up to hill and took some times for myself. I reflected to myself and thought much about my future. It’s been a week that I didn’t see your face. I tried to forget you and thought that I would after some times that I took at the hill alone. But, still I can’t even forget you even for a second. Everything that I do reminds me of you. Daimn... One night at the silent hill, I looked up to the sky... I saw the brightest star and I can't stop crying thinking about you. When will I have the chance to meet and see you again? I think I will never meet you again... I grabbed a hold at some bunches of grasses and I can't help myself than to keep my head nodded down while letting the tears streaming down my face. The memory is running in my head like some excited electrons passing through my vein. I took out your printed picture from my right pocket, looked at it, and put it on my chest and felt like hugging you tight. I bent my knees, curved my body and hugged your picture so tight just right at my chest. I stretched my arm and legs, laid down while staring at all the stars. It’s so beautiful. I remember the day I hug you at the beach in the evening with the yellowish skies. That day was perfect. Also, I remember we were lying down that midnight. The feeling was beautiful. It’s almost unbelievable that we saw a shooting star that night and I quickly wished for something while closing tightly my eyes. I could see you were wishing for something too. We looked at each other. I was unsure of what to do and I believe you were the same too... We both felt shy but finally we kissed. Our eyes close, my lips touches yours, as I hug you to my chest. The feeling was pure, and I can feel our kiss was so sweet. It was our first kiss. As we kiss we almost forgotten the world that we didn’t realize a security guard was watching us. It’s a funny moment. I wonder what his feeling is looking at us that time. We went off from that place after that. I would never forget the taste of your lips. It tastes sweet and beautiful. It is one memory I will never forget. Do you know what I wish for when I saw the shooting star? I wish I could hug you, hold your hands, and never have to let go. And I wish I could be by your side till I exhale the last air..... I wish.......... I could marry you........ NOw that you're gone... I wonder if this sweet finger will have the chance to wear a ring...

Laughter...

Personally, I believe that tears are easier to recognise than laughter. You know, you could barely see what a tear means. You could see if it’s tears of happiness or grief. But laughter is different. It looks the same, almost the same. You know... sometimes we just didn’t realize that laughter that someone showed to us in the past was actually the laughter of grief. I came to believe that laughter is the best way to camouflage your sadness inside you. Sometimes... I laugh or smile.... people claimed that I was okay, that I was fine and happy... because I laughed... deep in me, I wish that if only my laughter were true... if only I could laugh like other people that brings a meaning of happiness. Maybe, I'm just too used to hide what inside me... I am trained to do so... I am well-trained to hide whatever fragile feelings one could have. mmpphh... I still remember that once, there is a friend of mine said to me... “You know... sometimes I think you are a robot. You seem to face everything ahead you without worry. Sometimes, it’s even hard for you to show a face of disappointment.” When I flash back to what she said to me last time, I feel so funny. Sadness? Robot? Yeah... maybe I'm some short of robots that took a human form. But one thing I'm sure is, I know well the word “sadness” more than anybody else around me does. 

Sometimes, I think to myself, maybe I should have just showed what I feel. Maybe I should have just cried my heart out the time I really wanted. Maybe, it’s not really that bad to look fragile sometimes. Just maybe... at least once in my lifetime I just need to be a person, a human being. I know all the changes in me are because of things that happened to me since I was still a kid. But, I don't blame anyone or anything for every single thing that happened to me. I don't blame fate, luck, my mum, dad or myself. I believe that there’s someone who struggles more than I outside this boundary do. I believe there are lots more innocent children or even elderly who bear pains more than what I have experienced. So, I just need to be strong. I just need to be thankful to God. I do believe in God. And I know He watch over me always.

There’s something unexpected ahead all these. I believe grace of God is not only in the form of wealth, health, food, clothes, drinks, money, or happiness. I believe it’s also in the form of sadness, death, illness and trials in life. God sometimes gives something even precious than riches and clothes. In my experienced, he gave me strength through the sorrow that happened to me. He gave people new lives through death. He gave something that you can't see with your bare eyes but you can feel with your sixth sense. He gave me an insight towards life that makes me to see this world in different way than other individuals. And what he gave has made me to enjoy my moment on this earth to the fullest. It’s not about money I own and it’s not about vacation that I go. It’s about happiness that I could find even in the hardest situation... It’s about the sweetest smile one could share even if someone broke his heart..............

Meeting and Separation...

So, this is what life is about... meeting and separation. Sometimes I wonder alone... Does it need to be like this? Do people need to part? Is it true that it’s the nature law that no one could escape? Or is it a rule that men created to run away from the blame. My mum and dad separated. Is that really nature law that did that or is that their decision. I think I know the answer... It’s their choice. People don't need to separate. They make reasons to separate. Incompatibility, no more understanding, jealousy... and some other excuses they could formulate. I hate it when people say, “We are not compatible to each other any longer”, “She changed”, or “I'm jealous that he/she meets that another person”. All those reasons are bullshit! It’s okay to be angry and sad sometimes. But I don't see any good reasons for separation.

I thought when you value someone you would accept his/her weakness. Why did you even marry her if you don't trust her that she would not cheat behind you?!!! Why would you even say “I LOVE YOU” when at the end you pushed her far away from you? I don't want any pity from anyone that reads this blog. Since young, I was hoping and believing that I could make a difference in my future. I would not separate with anyone. Even how far she/he is, I will stay in one piece and always remember him/her. Many don't know about me, but I do remember every single friend I have in my life. Everyone that visited by. I do remember every one of them. And I always consider them as my friends forever. I don't mean to brag, but I know I have a vast appreciation towards individuals around me. It’s only they who didn't know about it. Maybe, cause I don't talk much about it. I prefer to bury it deep down in me that no one could ever know what actually I'm feeling at some specific times. I promised to myself once. If someday I have someone special that walked into my life, I’ll make that precious person to feel special every moment I'm with that person. I’ll always treat that one person the best I could as if I'm treating a princess. Cause I appreciate him/her more that he/she could imagine. I’ve seen separation all around me and I’ve been one of its victims.

Things that happened between mum and dad in some way has taught me of how to be a person... of how to have a heart within a heart. I promised there would be no more separation happens in my life. I guess I couldn’t help it. It just happened. Now, I'm all alone. It’s okay. Nobody’s is perfect, and so to everything in this world. Somehow, all the emotional struggles that I’ve been facing years ago have taught me to accept defeat, sadness, disappointment. I know, I'm strong... the only question that always swirl in my head is... ‘How long can I be strong?’ Deep in me, I'm afraid of the day that this immense strength within me would not work anymore... the day when strength alone is not enough to confront the bitter truth...

I Love You...

*I drew this using my lappy. =)*

I believe every one of us recognises this powerful phrase, which is a combination of 3 words that includes a very strong word in the middle, “Love”. It is “I Love You”. The truth is, this magical phrase has been used too much, too many until it lost its magic. It’s true that this phrase brings a new world, a different planet. The declaration of this 3 combination of words could bring someone, a soul to a new dimension of world. It’s the world of magical, the world of dreams, and the world where reality couldn’t enter. It’s the world of two living souls, because it’s the world of the 2 lovers. 

             “I Love You” could carry a promising meaning... There are people who say it with all his heart... Its meaning is ultimate and it bears the meaning until the he exhales the last air. But somehow sometimes this phrase means nothing. It brings an empty meaning. It is a dark void phrase spoken only to satisfy a person or even himself as he intends to get something from someone, which above all sex.

              And there is one more, this “I love you” also is cried by someone who really meant it from the bottom of his heart, only to realize that it is actually a fleeting feeling. He says it with a strong sensation towards someone but the meaning is only temporary. When it is said, the three words were so powerful that it could tear the cloud apart, light up the dark night and it could blast the sun. But then after few days or weeks, the power inside those articulated words cease rapidly which after that it dies; leaving no trace of feeling (love)... One of my friends said that it’s called infatuation. I don't know about you guys. What would you call it? Haha. But I know what I said is true. Everybody knew it. It undeniable, it’s the truth.

              So which one are you? Are you this type of people who say it out of sexual needs? Haha. I believe lotsa of people would answer “Yeah!” Hahaha. But well, it’s your life and I don't wanna interfere with it. It’s okay if you think you just wanna have fun while you are still young. I don't have the right to judge after all. Hahaha. As for me... hmmmpphh... let’s just keep that as a secret all right? Hahaha. Only mighty God knows. =P 

So, the tips for today is.. If u have your sugar bottle filled with ants, smash a garlic and put it inside the bottle. Leave it for a minute and all the ants will crawl out from the bottle itself. (^_^)

So much for now. See ya next time (^_^)