My Father's Death Anniversary...

 I woke up early today. I lay awake in the dark and think about the past. I could not find my wristwatch to see what time is it now. Surely, it is still dawn; the cloud is still dark and brown. I know today is my father’s one year of death anniversary. I gazed outside the closed plain and transparent glass windows for a moment, capturing a glimpse at every small creation I could barely see; the butterflies look as if they are flying around merrily, the bees are busy entering the flowers’ petals to collect sweets and honey and the birds are singing joyfully ready to start their day. “The living room would not be a fine spot to be at today.” I think to myself.

                   
                   Sometimes, I reflect to myself that we, human beings will know how to value something only when that something is already gone. I had lost a lot of precious things in my life and I regretted it. It is useless to think of “If only.. If only I could change.. If only I could turn back time.. If only I had shown my appreciation towards him/her.. If only...” because what is gone will forever gone. Moment will only pass once and that’s it. I decided that I would never say that phrase again. I want to learn to appreciate my mom who is still with me now, my two big beautiful sisters, my older and younger brothers and my dearly treasured friends who never ran away from me even I always ran away from them. You could never predict what would come about next, so start appreciating everything while you can.

Memoirs...

Hmmpph... If truth to be told, I missed them so much...
I changed very much... didn’t I?
Farlinah Waty...
A name I could barely never forget...
She was the most gorgeous girl in the school back then... sigh...
She was appealing and pleasant...
Masnih...
Hmmpph..
I missed her smiles a lot...
Just thinking of her smile drives me nuts...
She was just right. A perfect being to giggle with, share things with, and heed jokes together...
I have pooled my heart to them...
She was part of me and I was part of her...
How lofty is she now? I bet she is really tall these days... hehe
Shit... She must be taller than me...
I can’t deem that I'm here.. In a strange place...
A very strange place...
Sigh... All the memories are killing me...
At the same time it’s my medicine...
Without it, I can’t exist...
It’s my poison and my tablets...
When it hits, I often drop tears and craft a smile...
So bizarre... yeah, it is eerie...
Well, only I could comprehend it...
I loved them so much... That’s all I desire to cry...
I smile... You know why, as I know they will smile for me too...

A thought to think...

Now I just realize about something. Maybe, I should take things easy. I got a story to share.

From the very forth of a Once-Upon-A-Time, there is this very friendly guy. He talks to everyone and love to make people (at least) smile. But, some people just don't see things like the way he sees it, because they didn't walk the same journey as he does. And yet, they are very judgmental towards him. His close friends are not to be excluded.

Because it hurts him so bad that people teased him and judged him for the way he is. He changed into somebody else. All the laugh has faded, and there is no body to start a joke already.

There is a time, when your close friend changed into somebody else. He will never attempt people to smile or laugh like he used to do before. Tell him that you have missed his joke a lot before it is too late. because there is a point where your will never get your 'old' friend again.

The Two New Babies...

Forthcoming Chapter...
So much about my siblings now let’s talk about me. I know how to spell and read when I was still 3 year old and my mom was very proud of me. =) On the 16th of July 1997, my dearly loved younger sister was born, followed by my little brother on 25th of November 1995. Their entries to our life had been the best day ever so far in my whole life...

The Beginning...

I can’t tell you my name, but you just can call me Mr Cruzzo. I was born on the 7th of April 1990 at Hospital Lahad Datu, Sabah. I had great time when I was a kid. With 1 brother and 2 sisters who are older than me, my life was more than perfect.My mom worked as a bank accountant while studying. My father was doing his business back then and I can see that he got lots of profits from that (with a very big house complete with maids to take care 4 of us). My mom and dad were very busy that they hired us with several of maids to take good care of us every day. All of us were very naughty; none is excluded from the oldest daughter to the youngest son (me) =). Very naughty that we made our maids to give up and quit just after one month looking after the 4 of us. So, yeah, we change our maids every month. LOl. I still remember the day when we used to steal Langsat and an ‘Om’ (black men from Indonesia) chased us with his Parang (Samurai). Haha.. It was a perfect moment in a life time.

My mom told us that actually we got 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. But all of them couldn't make it just after they saw skies and lands. All three of my dearly loved brothers and sister were born at premature ages. Mom delivered Samuel, the oldest when he was still 5 month. He managed to survive only for couples of hours and then passed away. Second is Gloria, who was born prematurely at the age of 6 months old. Delivered safely but mate the same fate as my oldest brother. Emmanuel was the youngest among them and mother said that he was so beautiful. He was so strong that he manages to live on more than 24 hours. Mom was so blissful to see him tranquilly breathing but then just after mom starting to beam, he couldn’t hold a little longer and passed away. All three of them were born and died at premature ages.

When enquired, the Doctor answered that my mom is excessively fatigue and that costs her the lives of her children. Maybe it’s true that my mom is fatigued for the rationale that she was working while studying back then. But my mom never surrendered her hopes not even for a second, so does my father. And then after a couple of years, my mom gets pregnant again. This time, mom delivered her at a normal age (after 9 months in the womb) on the 4th of April 1984 and named her Moon (not a real name). She had a hard time growing up as well, as she had spine disease and deficient in red blood cells. Just after my uncle (A Great Doctor) came to help out and cure my sister, now she’s the oldest sister and lives in the pink like other kids. After 2 years later (1986), my mum delivered my second brother, Kuya (not a real name). In this hiatus of time, my mom had problems with my father which nearly costs them the life of my brother, Kuya.

When Kuya was still 6 months, mom argued with dad. They had a big mêlée which forced mom ran away from home to nowhere. Mom was away from home and went missing for months and no one was breastfeeding my 6 old months pity brother. As the price, Kuya starts developing problems with his immune system. My father then sent my brother to my kith and kin to breastfeed him, but it was too late. My brother is now sandwiched between live or die circumstances because no one is really take good care of him. Just after the news reached mom’s ears, she swiftly ran back to our house crying. She cried and grieved so bad that none of the biggest criminal could kill and stop her now. My brother survives after a long term of nurture at the hospital. Next, both mom and dad reconciled. After what happened, my dad entered Bible school and became a pastor in church. And then, God blessed dad and mom so much that my mom delivered another 2 children later on in this world safely, which is my sister, Cibi on the 10th of July 1988 followed by the cute me =), Mr Cruzzo on the 7th of April 1990. We had no problems and grew hale and hearty until now..

Mom and dad have through all the hardships together, holding hands through all ups and downs. Shed tears together, laugh together, they even play music together. My mom knows how to play guitar, piano and other music instruments and so does my father. Usually, dad would play the 1st voice and mom play the 2nd voice. They respire so happily and their story bear a resemblance to a fairy-tale. But, we are only human beings. Homosapiens who wanted to live happily ever after like in fairy-tale. Only to realize that we are not living like a chronicle and can't foresee the future. Everything seemed to be turning all way around. And the story begins to alter its route. What to come about next really cleaned out everything. Tearing apart the heart into billions of tiny pieces. Cries are what I can barely heed next. Happy ending is simply a story saga. And all I can do is to close tightly this one pair of eyes and pray. Pray to God, that He would shine us again one day filling this big hole and empty space located just a little left of the chest which was once a heart resting and beating peacefully. This is just the beginning. The beginning to an untold story. This is the story of my life...

Destiny...

Life is wonderful, I know it is.. But I also need to realize that it has its own Morning, Noon, Afternoon, Evening, Night and Midnight. I completely aware that things won't change just for me alone, and for u too. I have lot of dreams.. Dreams that people may say impossible. But, you know what, I believe that if you can dream it, you can achieve it. Dreams are not impossible to achieve...

I like being myself, which sometimes makes me to think whether it irritates others. I am fully aware that I am not perfect, but at least I know that I try my best to become better.

Life is sure a journey. A journey to a mysterious future. I still remember a phrase from a Movie I watched once.. Yesterday is a History, Tomorrow is a Mystery and Today is a Gift. That's why it is called Present.

So many people say that we have our life destined and we can't run from our destiny. Wrong! We are the Destiny! You are the Destiny of your own. Destiny does not come and seek us. But, we march forward and seek for our Destiny. World leaves us with many options, God kindly gives us the freedom to choose one option of our own. We choose what we think we want to choose. We choose one road among billions of roads resting down in front of us. So, it's clear that we are the one who wields our future, our destiny. Bad or Good, it is always been our fault because its our decisions.

But, I am confused, why they are still ignorant who blames God for what they attained. Point their fingers to other people, when they are wretched. You must have this one thought inside your mind. 'I am born to be a poor man, and I am sure I didn't choose to be one'. But, I also have this one thought inside my mind, 'How many great men were actually belongs from poor society? And how many poor people were actually used to be great men'. You answer that. They don't choose to be born rich or poor. But, they have chosen to be one in the end.

Starting point is fairly important. But, do you know that ending is more important? I do, that is why I write this.

We forgotten ourselves sometimes in the middle of good people. But never forget, all of us belong to dirt. No one stands taller than others and no one sits

lower than others too.

I might be only being poetical, but you know the truth in my words. God Bless you all.

Mr Cruzzo

Am I Beautiful?

Beauty, charm, hotness, allure or gorgeousness… It is something that is really subjective topic… It has a broad sphere of description but with definite restrictions and boundaries…

I was thinking… If you ask a girl with an ideal face (No pimples and no Plastic surgery ok?) for example, what do you think about the one that you loved?? She might answer, “Because he’s sweet, nice, astounding and he is really precious for me…” Even in point of fact, the guy is not even that “Gorgeous” and “Sweet??!!” (He got a ‘titanic’ NOSE with terrifying FACE!!)

Now, if we seize a glance at Mother Nature. Conceivably, you may say that Crocodile is a dreadful , horrible and dangerous species which was one of the prehistoric Dinosaurs that still breathe to tell the tale up until now… It is ugly and never been beautiful… But, certain people pronounce that it is beautiful like I heard from the daughter of the great Steve Irwin on Tv… What I’m trying to state is… All and sundry had their own sole beauty inside… Even how unattractive you might be that people teased you all the time… But, yet you are beautiful… The Mr. Right for a girl, might be stunning because of the personality and the crocodile might be beautiful because it’s so exclusive…

So, what is the beauty within you… For me, possibly, the beautiful in me is when I wear nice outfit. The clothing makes me looked great… All my friends are beautiful… I tell to my friend, "You are Gorgeous" and then I smile, because I know that no one in this world is ugly… Not even a single thing… Every creation that God has shaped is pretty for guarantee…

At the moment, I talk nineteen to the dozen about beauty since I came to realize about something around me… Once, I thought that fine appearance was the thing that decides certain things… But, I was so wrong to even think about it… Now,that I knew about it makes me feel great… But well, everybody had own view and consideration… For me, 

'the beauty that lies within is even superior and last evermore than the beauty that shows externally…'

God Bless You all…