Laughter...

Personally, I believe that tears are easier to recognise than laughter. You know, you could barely see what a tear means. You could see if it’s tears of happiness or grief. But laughter is different. It looks the same, almost the same. You know... sometimes we just didn’t realize that laughter that someone showed to us in the past was actually the laughter of grief. I came to believe that laughter is the best way to camouflage your sadness inside you. Sometimes... I laugh or smile.... people claimed that I was okay, that I was fine and happy... because I laughed... deep in me, I wish that if only my laughter were true... if only I could laugh like other people that brings a meaning of happiness. Maybe, I'm just too used to hide what inside me... I am trained to do so... I am well-trained to hide whatever fragile feelings one could have. mmpphh... I still remember that once, there is a friend of mine said to me... “You know... sometimes I think you are a robot. You seem to face everything ahead you without worry. Sometimes, it’s even hard for you to show a face of disappointment.” When I flash back to what she said to me last time, I feel so funny. Sadness? Robot? Yeah... maybe I'm some short of robots that took a human form. But one thing I'm sure is, I know well the word “sadness” more than anybody else around me does. 

Sometimes, I think to myself, maybe I should have just showed what I feel. Maybe I should have just cried my heart out the time I really wanted. Maybe, it’s not really that bad to look fragile sometimes. Just maybe... at least once in my lifetime I just need to be a person, a human being. I know all the changes in me are because of things that happened to me since I was still a kid. But, I don't blame anyone or anything for every single thing that happened to me. I don't blame fate, luck, my mum, dad or myself. I believe that there’s someone who struggles more than I outside this boundary do. I believe there are lots more innocent children or even elderly who bear pains more than what I have experienced. So, I just need to be strong. I just need to be thankful to God. I do believe in God. And I know He watch over me always.

There’s something unexpected ahead all these. I believe grace of God is not only in the form of wealth, health, food, clothes, drinks, money, or happiness. I believe it’s also in the form of sadness, death, illness and trials in life. God sometimes gives something even precious than riches and clothes. In my experienced, he gave me strength through the sorrow that happened to me. He gave people new lives through death. He gave something that you can't see with your bare eyes but you can feel with your sixth sense. He gave me an insight towards life that makes me to see this world in different way than other individuals. And what he gave has made me to enjoy my moment on this earth to the fullest. It’s not about money I own and it’s not about vacation that I go. It’s about happiness that I could find even in the hardest situation... It’s about the sweetest smile one could share even if someone broke his heart..............