Dear Diary,

So, here we are.. so many people have asked me about so many things about my relationship. I dont really ahve anything to say to them. OF course Im not gonna say that it was fake. BUt then, i was suprised to know that there been some people who actually want to be with me. So, I guess this pretending actually dig the truth out. anyway, I gotta go now. need to go to Ranau again. haissshhh.....

Today...

Dear Diary,

Today was a very funny day for me... I was on the net and one of my old friend from my former school asked me to play "love game" with her.. So, we changed our relationship status on facebook to make people to believe that it was actually true. lol. It tickles my heart seriously cause this so-called girlfriend of mine was actually one grumpy girl I've ever seen in this miserable life of mine. lol. But, There is something in mind right now, honest. Since that we are couple, I think  I should make the best out of it even it is just a "love game" for both of us.

 I think I'll start to bring her out to dine and spend much quality time together. Plus, Im kinda lonely these past few days. So, it's a good thing to do for now. But, anyhow, there is something else roaming around inside my head. It was the "idea/stand" that I said last time that maybe I should not play this "Love Game" again. It might hurt someone someday. I'm pretty sure it's not gonna be me. I'm afraid it's my friend, Far, the girl which I'm playing this game with. I just hope that she wouldn't take it serious when I always bring her out after this.

Lost my temper...

dear diary, i was really mad and angry. and I  just lost my temper. I was mad towards my little bro and sis. I hit them cause it feels like they have been rude. But I accidentally hit my sister's left eye. I regretted it. I love both my little and bro. love them a lot. the way i act last night just made me not a very good brother to  them.

                        **well that's me on the Dusun (Fruits Garden). Hehehe.**

So, I have a lot of things to say. my other Journal has reached 870 followers. I guess, I need to keep writing from now on. Ermm... For now, I'd like to get as many followers here on this blog so that I'll write here as much as I would on my other Journal.

So yeah... this month is the month for fruits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Im sooooo eating all kind of fruits! lol. at the Dusun, I ate 3 Durians, 2 Tarap, tons of Rambutan and Langsat and lots and lots more! FUh! IM soooooooooooo satisfied! lol....

Anyway, last few days my laptop motherboard is burnt down! How amazing! Don't u think it's awesome?! FUh! I went to my friend's house who knows about all this computing stuff and he said I'll be needing to pay maybe 700++ if I'd like to repair my laptop. Well... Well.. Well... I'm totally f*cked Up! and yeah.. I've been learning on how to run a "Business" these days. my dad's is teaching me everything. so I could say, Im pretty busy nowadays. life life life... so tiring but beautiful... =)

and oh yea... I like this song so much. Hope anyone who come to cross this blog would love it as much as I do. =)

I didn't update my blog for a long time. How I miss laying my fingers on my computer keyboards and start typing whatever cross my heart and mind. Well, I wish I would have enough time like before to update my blog. =) Well, this past few days were really busy days for me as my sister keep asking me to accompany her with her Beauty Queen Competition 2010. Glad that everything has finished. The sad thing is she didn't win the competition. =( but it's okay thou.. She would always be the most prettiest girl each of our family members ever known. =) Well, I have become active in going to church lately. Hopefully, I'll would be consistent attending the church - doing my responsible as a christian. and I know I go to church not just out of responsibility, it's also because I really wanted to meet my father in heaven and worship him. =) Well, for non-believers who come might have came across this blog - Don't disrespect believers by arguing over our religion conviction all right? I have met lots of people who sent mails into my inbox and tried to show their intelligence arguing about the matter. yeah. I guess so much for now. I'll update again next time. Have a nice day to all readers. =)

To The Hill...

I went to a village to visit the nature. Somehow, I had a lot of times spent for myself. Today really was an adventurous day as I visited lots of interesting spots to include visiting a mini zoo, swimming at the waterfalls, and eating a lot of fruits at one of the Dusuns in the village. In fact, I still crave for the Fruits there. The villagers were so kind and welcoming. I appreciate my everyday in this small village. I went up to hill and took some times for myself. I reflected to myself and thought much about my future. It’s been a week that I didn’t see your face. I tried to forget you and thought that I would after some times that I took at the hill alone. But, still I can’t even forget you even for a second. Everything that I do reminds me of you. Daimn... One night at the silent hill, I looked up to the sky... I saw the brightest star and I can't stop crying thinking about you. When will I have the chance to meet and see you again? I think I will never meet you again... I grabbed a hold at some bunches of grasses and I can't help myself than to keep my head nodded down while letting the tears streaming down my face. The memory is running in my head like some excited electrons passing through my vein. I took out your printed picture from my right pocket, looked at it, and put it on my chest and felt like hugging you tight. I bent my knees, curved my body and hugged your picture so tight just right at my chest. I stretched my arm and legs, laid down while staring at all the stars. It’s so beautiful. I remember the day I hug you at the beach in the evening with the yellowish skies. That day was perfect. Also, I remember we were lying down that midnight. The feeling was beautiful. It’s almost unbelievable that we saw a shooting star that night and I quickly wished for something while closing tightly my eyes. I could see you were wishing for something too. We looked at each other. I was unsure of what to do and I believe you were the same too... We both felt shy but finally we kissed. Our eyes close, my lips touches yours, as I hug you to my chest. The feeling was pure, and I can feel our kiss was so sweet. It was our first kiss. As we kiss we almost forgotten the world that we didn’t realize a security guard was watching us. It’s a funny moment. I wonder what his feeling is looking at us that time. We went off from that place after that. I would never forget the taste of your lips. It tastes sweet and beautiful. It is one memory I will never forget. Do you know what I wish for when I saw the shooting star? I wish I could hug you, hold your hands, and never have to let go. And I wish I could be by your side till I exhale the last air..... I wish.......... I could marry you........ NOw that you're gone... I wonder if this sweet finger will have the chance to wear a ring...

Laughter...

Personally, I believe that tears are easier to recognise than laughter. You know, you could barely see what a tear means. You could see if it’s tears of happiness or grief. But laughter is different. It looks the same, almost the same. You know... sometimes we just didn’t realize that laughter that someone showed to us in the past was actually the laughter of grief. I came to believe that laughter is the best way to camouflage your sadness inside you. Sometimes... I laugh or smile.... people claimed that I was okay, that I was fine and happy... because I laughed... deep in me, I wish that if only my laughter were true... if only I could laugh like other people that brings a meaning of happiness. Maybe, I'm just too used to hide what inside me... I am trained to do so... I am well-trained to hide whatever fragile feelings one could have. mmpphh... I still remember that once, there is a friend of mine said to me... “You know... sometimes I think you are a robot. You seem to face everything ahead you without worry. Sometimes, it’s even hard for you to show a face of disappointment.” When I flash back to what she said to me last time, I feel so funny. Sadness? Robot? Yeah... maybe I'm some short of robots that took a human form. But one thing I'm sure is, I know well the word “sadness” more than anybody else around me does. 

Sometimes, I think to myself, maybe I should have just showed what I feel. Maybe I should have just cried my heart out the time I really wanted. Maybe, it’s not really that bad to look fragile sometimes. Just maybe... at least once in my lifetime I just need to be a person, a human being. I know all the changes in me are because of things that happened to me since I was still a kid. But, I don't blame anyone or anything for every single thing that happened to me. I don't blame fate, luck, my mum, dad or myself. I believe that there’s someone who struggles more than I outside this boundary do. I believe there are lots more innocent children or even elderly who bear pains more than what I have experienced. So, I just need to be strong. I just need to be thankful to God. I do believe in God. And I know He watch over me always.

There’s something unexpected ahead all these. I believe grace of God is not only in the form of wealth, health, food, clothes, drinks, money, or happiness. I believe it’s also in the form of sadness, death, illness and trials in life. God sometimes gives something even precious than riches and clothes. In my experienced, he gave me strength through the sorrow that happened to me. He gave people new lives through death. He gave something that you can't see with your bare eyes but you can feel with your sixth sense. He gave me an insight towards life that makes me to see this world in different way than other individuals. And what he gave has made me to enjoy my moment on this earth to the fullest. It’s not about money I own and it’s not about vacation that I go. It’s about happiness that I could find even in the hardest situation... It’s about the sweetest smile one could share even if someone broke his heart..............